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ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2018.
I have not had the easiest life. For the majority of my life, I have been poor. There were moments in my adult life where I was financially secure and throughout those times when I prospered financially, I became exceptionally good at utilizing the money I was making and purchasing the things I knew I would need years down the line. My cell phone is three years old and I have had the same phone service since 2002 and that has remained the only real bill that I have since I live at home with my family. I do not own a car and do not have to pay car insurance. I only buy myself the absolute necessities. When I was financially stable, I would buy clothes that would last me for 10 years. I would buy myself makeup and stock up for at least 2 to 3 years. I would buy other toiletries and stock pile them into huge bins in my room and I would be okay until once again I would find a financially prosperous year. For the past two years, I have exhibited one of the worst financial hardships I have ever endured in my adult life. I decided to take time off from working in the education field and try to make it as a writer and artist. This has been one of the most joyous times in my life because I am finally getting an opportunity to pursue my passion, but at the same time it is one of the most difficult times because I do not have the money to buy the things that any normal person working traditional jobs with traditional salaries take for granted.
I have settled into this nomadic lifestyle that I have created since I graduated undergrad at 22. Now, at 37, having worked on my bachelor's, master's, and doctorate, I find myself in the most financially dire times when I should be considered to be at my most prosperous. I feel that people perceive poverty in a stereotypical manner and do not understand there are many facets to poverty. I am fortunate enough to have the love and support of my family and am given food and a roof over my head. Not many people have that. I recognize how lucky I am and exhibit my gratitude by helping out with my father who suffers from dementia and helping my mother with the odds and ends of running a household. To the outside world, I am seen as a taker, and as a non-contributor and people misconstrue my financial situation all of the time. Since I am considered on the poverty line, I have Medicaid for my health insurance. They think that it is easy getting medical coverage. It is not. Not many doctors accept my insurance especially doctors in special fields like ENT and audiology, which is why I have remained suffering from my hearing loss without proper intervention and assistance. I cannot find a doctor who will accept my insurance.
But when people see what I look like, they don’t believe that I am poor and I was even mistaken for a prostitute once at my dentist’s office just because my hair was done and I wore makeup. I was at the dentist's office once a few years back and I was interrogated throughout the entire office visit about where I lived and how long I have lived in this town and what was my business in this town, etc. Do you think for a second that someone with better insurance and a well-paying job would have gotten the same treatment I received that day? Absolutely not. I would even tell other people about what happened and because they are financially set they can feign sympathy, but they don’t really get it.
People hear you are poor and automatically think you are lazy, and you don’t want to work. That couldn’t further from the truth. Every time I received temporary full-time teaching spots for a given school year, I always gave 110% of myself. The positions I was given were temporary and I was never afforded permanent spots so I would resort back to substitute teaching. Substitute teaching became comfortable for me, especially as I got older when my hearing loss became severe. I wasn’t expected to interact with people much and I didn’t have to embarrass myself struggling to hear individuals. And because I stayed in education so long, it became damn near impossible to find other work. And because I am so over-educated even retail jobs would not hire me because they don’t want people smarter than they are working underneath them.
Writing became a natural fit for me. I can weave intricate stories and produce meaningful and thought-provoking artwork. I have achieved a level of serenity and peace every time I am given an opportunity to create. I don’t have to worry about not being able to hear others and don’t have to worry about feeling ashamed and embarrassed by my various shortcomings as I get lost in the wonderful world of silence every time I get sucked into the equally wonderful world of artistic creation. The problem is, it doesn’t pay. But I am working on that. I am planning some major life changes in 2018 that will hopefully change my financial luck in the future.
My point is, there are many faces to poverty. That saying, “don’t judge a book by its cover,” can go both ways. Just because I happen to wear makeup and take care of the clothes I have to make them look new, doesn’t mean I am cheating the system, doesn’t mean I am hoarding money under my mattress and doesn’t mean that I am not struggling. I struggle every damn day of my life. It is also a damned if you, damned if you don’t situation because when I do wear makeup and dress well I get treated poorly and when I go somewhere in sweats with no makeup I get treated even worse. The photomontage that I have created are the various faces of myself with and without makeup. And regardless of whether or not I have makeup or not, regardless of whether or not I am dressed up or down, regardless of the backdrop in each of these photos, there is one thing that remains consistent and that is that no matter how I look on any given day, and regardless of whether or not I have money in my pocket, I will always, always find a reason to smile. As my mother always encourages, “Better times will come.” I cling on to that. I cling on to that as if my life depended on it because my life literally does depend on it.
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